So, uh.

We've got some New Year's resolutions.

These are... incredibly ambitious goals for us and will require some serious lifestyle reforms on both of our parts. We're both going to have to seriously curb internet addictions (probs the least physically harmful addiction but a legit issue nonetheless) and work a lot on our self-discipline and motivation. Not that we've been doing a ton of cons or cosplay lately (at least compared to my old 7+ con a year schedule) but that's going to need to be cut down on too. And buying toys and other useless crap, as happy as it makes us (really happy :C)

This is going to be really, really hard for us. But I think if she and I can both work really hard together, maybe we have a shot at this.

We have until January 2011.

This pretty much means we can't get a dog any time in the near future (am legitimately really upset about this) but fulfilling a dream may be worth putting it on hold.

I promise I'll be less vague about this in the future. I've just already gotten myself all anxious (read: more anxious than usual) thinking about it and don't want to stress out about it anymore. Just... wish us luck.

♥

Anyway. Sorry for not updating much recently. I've still been feeling pretty bummed out over stuff that happened with my family over the weekend and it's been kind of eating at me, but I'll be alright. I'm trying desperately to pull my ass out of the gutter with this semester. I can't believe I let another semester get the best of me (seriously fuck those two+ weeks of being sick) but I'm not giving up on this yet. I refuse.

..But because of this I have seriously been anxious and stressed out literally every waking moment and it's driving me a little nuts. If this anxiety doesn't settle or fade by the time I'm done for the semester I'm really going to need to talk with somebody, this is getting out of control and making me kind of miserable. Fortunately it's still easy to distract myself with friends and happy things and stuff I enjoy doing but when the anxiety comes back immediately after those things end, it's just... really annoying. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach right before you get up to read or perform something in front of your class? It's kind of like that all the fucking time and I'm really tired of it.

But yeah. I've gotten to see a lot of people I really love lately and I get to see more of them this weekend, and that makes me happy. I've also had a handful of incredible humans reach out to me through texts or tweets or IMs or whatever to check on me and cheer me up which has meant the absolute world. ♥ Thank you guys for sticking by me. This too shall pass.

I haven't said anything about the loss in the New York senate today, because there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already. Of course I'm disappointed. Massively so. All I can do is put my hope in the next generation. We'll get there someday, I know it. Love will win. ♥

edit lmao when I forget to mention Ame/sugar_and_synth specifically my entries kind of sound like I have MPD. I'm also not doing much for our desire to not be seen as one entity as couples sometimes are, ahaha. Oop. WE'RE JUST REALLY SIMILAR BUT WE'RE STILL SEPARATE PEOPLE I SWEAR

kasaiface
=
kasaii

Today is my livejournal's 6th birthday! So I bought it a rename token, seeing as I haven't used the -face suffix for a long time and since I'll probably never have kasai, I figured I'd go for the next closest thing. :|

Hope you guys all had a good Thanksgiving! Mine was easily the best I've had in years. It was just such a wonderful blend of family and extended family and friends (and kitties and puppies and ponies!!) and was really nice! victorien and sugar_and_synth both fit in quite well, particularly with my two 10-year-old cousins and their two cousins, who are six and eight. We were quite popular with the boys, who named us Mars (Ame), Jupiter (me) and Saturn (Steph) for reasons we still don't quite understand. They did terrorize us a bit, but it was only because they liked us so much, hahaha. Max in particular was clinging to my leg not wanting me to leave when we were heading out. ;; ~;;

My second cousin Eric (previously mentioned) and his partner (wife? girlfriend? idek) were awesome as usual and we had some really good conversations. And then, uh... this morning, Eric asked if Ame and I were together. FFFFFFF he and Nicole have really good gaydar. :c But there was definitely some bonding through that, and today they drove Ame and Steph back to Amherst since it was on their way.

My parents and I headed back to NJ a while later and I found out a precious tidbit of gossip about the other chunk of my family (dad's other brother, his six kids, his wife and her two kids) that didn't come up this year. Apparently a couple weeks ago, my cousin Simon was outed. He is 16 and going on his first date soon. I. KSLJFKLGJSLF. First of all, I totally called it with this kid like, years ago. Second of all, OH GOD PRECIOUS. I kind of want to send him a Facebook message and be like "HEY HONEY YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE♥" but I don't know if that'd be weird. In any case, knowing that I have a first cousin ally will make future coming outs easier. They fact that my family obviously adores Ame and that she fits in perfectly is also comforting! ♥

Oh god the end of ELF is on and it will make me cry EVERY TIME FOREVER. Christmas, I am going to be SO READY for you this year.

I WAS GOING TO WRITE MORE but now Gabby is here and we're going to go on a karaokeing adventure or something!!! ok ilu guys byyyye

I have read every one of these that I've seen on my flist so far because I like knowing more personal things than just "WHAT KIND OF TOILET PAPER DO YOU USE." ...My answers ended up being really long, I'm sorry. ;;;;

You know how sometimes people on your friends list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.

( I.. I wrote you an Encyclopedia of Me. At least there are some pictures? )

Oh boy, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, huh? I'm still in my apartment with sugar_and_synth and victorien. Parents are picking us up tomorrow morning and we're heading to CT for dinner with Dad's side of the family (minus my asshole uncle and his small army of children which, uh... isn't such a bad thing.) Steph will be introduced as my friend from school, Ame will be introduced as my roommate.

Let's not talk about how if I were living with my boyfriend and bringing him to Thanksgiving dinner, I wouldn't introduce him as my roommate, I'd introduce him as my boyfriend that I live with.

However, my Pagan, bisexual, poly-amorous, Hampshire-graduate second cousin who I haven't seen for a few years and his female partner (he has/had? a male partner too, idk why he's not coming) are coming, so I'll probably be like "hey so, this is my girlfriend, hahaha I can't come out to the rest of the family yet." Ah well, there'll be a time for it, I'm sure.

edit I forgot to mention he also has Tourettes and speaks inexplicably in a British accent sometimes. ...He's a sweet guy, though.

edit again oh and they also used to go to AnimeBoston I'm pretty sure but now they live in Seattle.

edit a third I WONDER IF THEY GO TO SAKURACON

I had one of the most incredible (and incredibly exhausting) weekends of my semester so far.

I'm completely wiped out and should really be sleeping already so I'm not letting myself make a full recap post just yet, but.

I love Marta the Divine and I love the theater and its crazy people and I love my friends and I love this area of Massachusetts and I love dumb intoxicated parties and I love coming home to dumber, MORE intoxicated parties and I love smooching and cuddling cute ladies and I love the people I was on run crew with for Marta and I love road trips and I love good music and I love singing ridiculous songs at the top of my lungs and I love my diner and I love Teddy and I love New Jersey and I love my house and I love my cats and I love smoking in my room and I love my parents and I love home-cooked meals and I love the drive to Mitsuwa and I love seeing friends I don't see often enough and I love making new friends with common interests and I LOVE JPOP IDOLS and I love seeing my friends happy and I really goddamn love onigiri, so much so that I ate five today.

I want to expand upon all of this, but for now, all that's important is this. See that sign?


Today, we did that. As I stood in line to shake her hand, I fully intended to tell her " 英語が上手です！" but as I saw Ame in front of me tell her (Kago) in English that she (Ame) had been a fan for six years and then heard her (Kago) respond in surprise, "Six years?! Thank you!!" ...my 日本語 completely vanished and was just replaced with "Hiiii! Thank you so much for visiting! Your English is so good!" She thanked me in English, still holding my hand, and said she was studying hard. I wished her luck and then melted into Aibon-induced mush.

She looked beautiful and mature and strong and it's incredible to think that the young woman speaking bits of English with graceful pronunciation was this tiny little thing seven years ago. I've only been in the Hello!Project fandom for two years now, but after learning everything she's been through, it was so wonderful to see her strong and... we can only hope, happy.

Fandoms like idols and Takarazuka are so much more of an emotional investment than anything else I've ever been interested in. Because if you're like us, you fall in love with these girls, and you genuinely want to see them successful but more importantly genuinely happy. You want them to know that they're loved and supported, by people all over the world.

Nothing else I've ever been into is as emotionally satisfying as this can be, when we're fortunate enough to have experiences like this. I tweeted about this earlier, but... in something as simple as a hand gesture, just heart-hands, we're able to send the love we have out to these girls we care about in a way that breaks through language barriers. And these memories... of Yossi sending us half a heart back as her other hand held the microphone she sang into, of the several AKB48 girls who returned our hearts from the corner of the stage, or of Aibon's extra-enthusiastic heart hands back at us as she left her press conference today... I wouldn't trade them for anything. To be able to express to them your love and support, even just a tiny bit, to these people you care for and have them not only acknowledge but return your gesture is just... the most incredible feeling. ♥♥♥

We've been ridiculously lucky this year in terms of meeting these girls and women we admire so much. I'm not sure anything can ever top meeting Yossi (and Rika) at Sakuracon, then I had my completely amazing Takarazuka trip which included meeting one Seijou Kaitou, then Ame got to see Morning Musume, then we both had fantastic bathroom interactions with AKB48 at NYAF, and now out of the blue, at a little Japanese market 20 minutes from my house, we met Kago Ai, who will always be a princess. ♥

ksjfklagjd;lhkgs way more than I meant to write and it's SO LATE but anyway, love to everyone I saw this weekend and everyone who was missed! Time to CRASH.

hbrlabglajhglklhblgaaaaah been so busy!! Tonight (read: right now, as I am backstage) is the second to last performance of Marta the Divine and then I have a small chunk of my life back. Phew! Going to miss it, though. ♥

I finally had time to reply to comments on my anon meme! I... guys. ;; ~;; I am so completely in shock about how... genuinely sweet all the comments I received were. Maybe this seems like a weird thing to be so surprised about, but as I mentioned, when I last did this meme three years ago, I got... pretty reamed. But again, I was at a really different point in my life then, so... either I annoy people less nowadays, or the people who are annoyed by me either aren't on my friendslist anymore or were too lazy to comment. :P

I dunno, I guess I'm just sort of predisposed to assume I'm not particularly likable, or kind of annoying, or that people don't take me seriously or whatever. I know I have a lot of good friends, but I feel like they're exceptions, that Ame's the only person crazy enough to be in love with me, and that on the whole I'm really not particularly special. IDK IDK I'm just kind of a weiner, but... ; A; You guys proved that at least some of you feel differently, and that really means a ton. ♥♥♥ /mushmush

Anyway, more of you should comment on it. Just sayin'.

Busy weekend coming up! After Marta's over, a ton of us are headed to Hampshire for Queertillion-- a big queer dance party featuring MEN-- JD Samson from Le Tigre's current project! It sounds like it's gonna be awesoooome.

Tomorrow is the last performance of Marta, aaand then tomorrow evening is a last-minute road trip to New Jersey! Why? Because HOLY SHIT
KAGO AI IS GOING TO BE AT MITSUWA!!!
Former Morning Musume member Kago is randomly holding a press conference and saying hi to fans at MY MITSUWA on Sunday in Fort Lee, NJ! KFJSLKGJSL so random and so exciting!

Especially exciting because palais graciously offered to drive us down on Saturday night and back on Sunday night, AND because esques is visiting this weekend so the four of us will be having The Bestest Roadtrip, AND because nac may be meeting us in New Jersey! SO EXCITING, AAAAHHHH. ♥

Ame and I may have a visitor for a couple of days next week, and if it happens there will be a million hugs involved. And then Thanksgiving, which means me+Ame+victorien heading to CT to spend it with my fam. Then I'll head back with my parents to NJ for a couple days, at least one of which needs to be spent with lisito and blindkijin. So yeah, awesome.

I need to finish this up because the show's almost over, buuut in short I love the shit out of you guys and I'm so excited to spend time with those of you I'm seeing in the weeks to come! And if I'm not seeing you in the next couple weeks, we should get on that pretty soon. Just sayin'. ♥

lov u guyyyyyys